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Posts tagged ‘humor’

Beauty in the Baby Aisle

September 10, 2013
tags: baby, baby powder, baby wipes, , beauty products, diaper cream, , , ingrown hairs, johnson's, , , remover, , , , towelettes,
by Sonia

Baby_Products

When people talk about good skin, they often refer to it being as soft as a baby’s bottom. But let me ask you this, have you ever considered all that goes into making a baby’s bottom so soft? Along with the tender care of loving parents, there are a handful of products that are used to keep a tot’s toosh smooth and rash free. Baby wipes. Baby powder. Diaper cream. That’s a lineup equivalent to the number of products I use on my face each evening and let me tell you, a baby’s butt is still winning in softness.

While perhaps you are assuming that this post is about to go in the direction of using wipes, powder, and cream on your face each evening, I’m happy to say that I haven’t fallen that far off my highchair; at least not yet. What I am here to say is that those products that our parents used on us before we knew the power of personal  — as in doing it yourself — hygiene, are still just as kind to our acne-prone, wrinkle-ready skin as they were to the skin that was once bound in diapers.

For starters, let’s discuss the baby wipe. Unfailingly gentle and moist, these towelettes (yes, I just gave poop-wipes a fancy term) are ideal for removing excess makeup, hydrating the skin, and still apropos to that extra bit of freshness we may need surrounding our nether regions. What I also love about these wipes is that not only are they affordable and easy to find, but also that every supermarket and/or pharmacy sells mini-sized travel packs, which are ideal for touching up your running makeup in the middle of a sweaty dance floor.

Then we have baby powder, whose power I have already praised on here before. For those new to the importance of baby powder, allow me to enlighten you. Baby Powder is the original dry shampoo. Before high-brow beauty companies started making specifically designed sprays to rid your roots of yesterday’s grime, the number one way to eliminate greasy hair was with a light sprinkling of baby powder. The powder absorbs all of that day-old grease, leaving your hair looking as clean as it did the day before.

Lastly, I bring you my latest discovery in baby-beauty-goods, diaper cream. Though skeptical at first, I was told that using the cream two days after a bikini wax would help control ingrown hairs and unwanted bumps. After a few nights of application (heads up: this is definitely something you want to apply at night since it’s pretty thick and really unattractive), I am happy to report that my lady bits are ingrown free. And though this is the least glamorous of the three baby products discussed here, I think it’s safe to assume that we all would rather a few nights of diaper cream than a month of painful ingrowns.

See you in the baby aisle?

True Story: Experiments in Deodorant

August 27, 2013
tags: , deodorant, hairspray, , , , , , true story,
by Sonia

HairsprayDeodorant

I’ve decided to launch a new column on my blog entitled, True Story. Here I will chronicle some personal stories of the humorous, eye-opening, and/or completely rogue variety, and the lessons I’ve learned (or should have learned) from them.

For the inaugural True Story, I’d like to share a recent armpit discovery that occurred while at a wedding. I was gearing up to break it down on the dance floor with my brother when he leaned in and told me that my Dad, who I saw earlier that day, said I had B.O. With a few glasses of champagne bubbling in my brain, my head nearly spun off as I shouted, “WHAT?!” I felt so betrayed! I come from a family that has next-to-no filter when it comes to saying what we think and the only way to survive is to laugh at yourself because we love to poke fun at each other. So what the heck was my Dad doing not telling me that I smelled like three-day old chicken tikka masala? For the record, I was wearing a shirt I’d worn on the plane the day before and it has the silky consistency that just likes to absorb every smell. Whatever, I don’t need to defend my armpits.

Before my brother could get another word in, I took off for the bathroom, praying that it would be like one of those night club bathrooms full of products from lotions to perfumes to, yes, deodorant. I didn’t know if  I smelled at that moment, but I wasn’t willing to take my chances, especially if I was going to be dancing all night. I threw open the wooden door of the bathroom and surveyed the room before locking in on a basket with tampons and a lotion spout breaching from the top. “Jackpot,” I thought. But I thought too soon. There were beauty supplies in there — hair pins, lotion, tampons, hairspray — but no deodorant. I had to think quickly and decided that a few spritzes of Paul Mitchell Extra Hold hairspray was better than nothing, so I lifted up my arms and sprayed.

At first my armpits felt extremely sticky, but soon the hairspray dried and actually felt like it was clogging my pores which could only mean one thing: no sweat. And no sweat means no B.O. so as far I was concerned my mission was accomplished. Of course I’m fairly certain that spraying an aerosol can of hairspray into ones armpits is not exactly the best thing for ones skin, but in a bind, why not? My armpits were drier than the inside of my dehydrated hangover mouth the following day, and unless someone was neglecting to tell me, I feel pretty confident that I was odor free for the rest of the evening. As for the shirt I was wearing while hanging out with my Dad, it’s on its second cycle at the dry cleaner.

‘Cause It’s Friday: Let’s Talk Butt Pockets

August 23, 2013
tags: , butt pockets, , essay, , , , , , perfect, perfect pair of jeans, , , , , small butt pockets, , ,
by Sonia

Denim_Butt_Pocket

I take jeans shopping very seriously. It takes time and energy to find “the perfect pair of jeans,” and as far as I’m concerned, anything that takes time and energy should be taken seriously. Except for jury duty, that’s a waste of time and energy. When it comes to finding the PPJ — Perfect Pair of Jeans — I go by a few key assessments:

1) Is this a brand that I like? — It’s very rare that a brand of jeans will fluctuate depending on jean styles. If I like the fit of J Brand’s Mid Rise Skinny Jeans, chances are I’ll like their flared denim as well. Once I find a brand I like — Paige Denim, J Brand, Hudson, Rag & Bone, Rich & Skinny — I make them my go to. This makes the process of the denim department in megastores like Bloomingdale’s much more doable. It also helps with online ordering since you’re not gambling on an unknown.

2) The Stretch Factor — Where were we before stretch in jeans? I’m by no means condoning jeggings, but a little spandex in those thigh squeezers? Yes, please! Jeans are supposed to be comfortable, so why concern yourself with whether or not you’re butt is going to burst a seam when you can just buy a pair that has, oh, 2% elastane? Just that small percentage makes all the difference.

Which brings me to…

3) The Butt Pockets — Apple bottom jeans had their moment, but it was a moment I never took part in. When it comes to the butt pockets of jeans, I like full coverage. I  find few things more infuriating than when a pair of jeans has some half-assed (pun intended) pocket situation that is barely the width of your hand and not remotely close to the width of a cheek. The gluteus maximus deserves a maximus sized pocket.

I recognize that this last detail on the butt pockets may not be one of your major concerns when finding the PPJ. Many of us are more concerned with muffin top control, length of zipper, and/or cut, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But let me ask you this, have you ever experienced tiny pocket syndrom? If you have, you’ll know exactly what I’m referring to when I say that a tiny pocket makes the butt look like it’s going to burst out of the seams because said tiny pockets make the butt look ridiculously larger than it really is. Now, I also recognize that not all of us are Beyonce and that maybe want a little more junk in the trunk, but a tiny pocket is not the way to do it. The tiny pocket will distort your rear. It will make it look like your jeans don’t fit you properly. And most importantly, it will attract attention to your derrière in a negative way. You don’t want people staring at your hindquarters wondering how you managed to jam your iPhone into one of those midget pockets; you want them looking at it and thinking, “Baby got back.”

So if you’re going to take anything away with you this weekend, take this: PPJ’s don’t involve FSPs — Freakishly Small Pockets. Now stop what you’re doing and listen to Sir Mix-a-Lots “Baby got back.” Why? ‘Cause it’s Friday!

Glasses: The Most Versatile & Important Accessory

August 22, 2013
tags: , Cynthia Rowley, , eskimo, eyewear, , frames, , , metropolitan, nantucket, , , pink sunglasses, preppy, , round, rowley eyewear, , , st. marks, , , urban,
by Sonia

Cynthia_Rowley_Sunglasses

The beauty of an accessory like sunglasses (or RX frames for all you lucky poor-sighted folk), is that they go with everything. Unlike handbags and jewelry which really ought to change with every outfit, peeper-frames are universal. Just look at how Jenna Lyons has worn her thick framed glasses to everything from a regular day at J.Crew to the red carpet at the Met Gala. Regardless of if she needs them for eyesight, she’s made them a necessary and complimentary addition to her signature style. But a common issue that I think we are all faced with when dealing with glasses is that price points can be Mt. Everest steep. And as much as I’m ready to drop dollars on an exceptionally flattering pair of designer frames, my clumsy, absent-minded self will no doubt sit on them before they even reach my face.

Warby Parker introduced a new and affordable way to buy eyewear and now, New York Fashion Week designer, Cynthia Rowley, has joined in on the fun with the launch of her very own site RowleyEyewear.com. Each set of frames, of which there are many, many awesome pairs, are $99 or $129 for prescription. Cue the sound of your bank account clinking his heels together.

Rowley1

What I love most about the new collection is that, much like Rowley’s clothing, each set of frames can work with a number of different styles. Take the above look for example: a preppy blazer makes the light pink, round, and vintage-inspired sunnies look like they’re manufactured in Nantucket. Fun fact: they’re not.

Rowley3

If something edgier is more your speed then swap out those seersucker trousers for a leather motorcycle jacket and these shades will still work. Now I look more like I’m ready to get a tattoo on St. Mark’s than I am about to jump on a sailboat and eat lobster. Same sunglasses, different style, still working.

Rowley6

Should you find yourself the more feminine “I love to wear pink!” type of girl — which I am the furthest from but decided to embrace for the sake of this post — then again, you’re in luck with the versatility of Rowley’s eyewear. The round pink frames only girlify (made up word) the girlishness of this look which is also emphasized by the kissy face. Kiss kiss. Smooch smooch. Xoxo, Gossip Girl.

Rowley4

And finally we have the metropolitan eskimo. The sun blares extra bright against the snow, so sunglasses are essential to the style and well-being of an urban eskimo. For the record, I have no idea what an urban eskimo is, but if they exist, I imagine they’d wear a furry vest much like the one I’m wearing and Rowley’s eyewear, of course.

Now comes the even more fun part. From now through September 15th, Rowley Eyewear is offering all Runway Hippie readers a 20% discount! Simply use the code runwayhippie20 at checkout and bing bam boom look at that mushroom, the already affordably chic shades are even more affordably yours.

End scene.

// photos by Emily Malan

18 Emojis that Need to Exist

August 21, 2013

Emojis_Two

As a writer, words are my favorite, but I can never turn down the use of an emoji as an accoutrement to whatever sentence I’m sexting texting. “Hey do you want to grab a drink? *insert wine glass emoji*” “BRB jumping in the shower. *insert shower head emoji*” “Let’s make out! *insert eggplant emoji*”

But far more often than not I find myself searching for an emoji that just doesn’t exist and then consequently get irrationally angry about it. Like seriously how is there no cheese icon? And could there be more race representation? And wouldn’t adding the middle  finger emoji just solve so many problems?

On the offset chance that emoji creator, Willem Van Lancker, spends his lunchbreak reading my nutty voice, I’ve drawn 18 emojis that I believe to be essential to the iPhone user experience. Crikey, I sound like I was born in the Apple Store.

1. Smiley Face with Glasses: Sunglasses Guy is cool and all, but what about when I’m acting like a nerd and need emoji-graphic backup? Or how about when I’m talking about George Costanza? Or for all those times I’m at the optometrist? The four-eyed folk need representation and Sunglasses Guy just isn’t going to cut it.

2. Barf Face: Whether hungover, sick, or simply disgusted by something, the Barf Face would be an excellent way to emphasize just how bad things really are. It could also be the 911 face you send to your boyfriend when you’ve had too many margaritas and need to be picked up.

3. Fingers Crossed: Not everyone prays, but a fingers crossed emoji would certainly cover the base of portraying that you’re hoping something happens. It could also be a great way to confuse someone since crossing fingers can also mean that you’re lying. “Be there in five! *insert crossed fingers*” and arrive an hour later.

4. Middle Finger: I have no doubts that this emoji would be used more than the poop icon. It speaks for itself in so many ways that I find it unnecessary to explain its importance. So #@%$ you!

5. Beach Ball: I was actually surprised to find this one missing since almost every ball is represented and there are multiple emojis that imply beach time fun. And though I can’t say I’ve played with a beach ball in the past couple of years, it would serve the purpose of a glorious accoutrement to a sentence as simple as “Let’s go to the beach!”

6. Tampon: My friends and I have spent an embarrassing incredible amount of time figuring out the best way to use emojis to describe our periods. We’ve used everything from the big red dot to the exploding volcano, but nothing has really stuck. Since this is clearly a monthly issue, I’m making a stand and demanding proper menstruation representation in the form of a vagina plug.

7. Soap: Because why not? We have the shower. We have the bathtub. But what about a fresh bar of bubbling soap? I’m not asking for a bubble bath or a rubber ducky, just a simple bar of soap to emphasize personal hygiene.

8. Toothbrush: This goes along with the soap. We brush our teeth — I hope — multiple times a day. You could practically emoji-out (see how I did that instead of type-out?) your entire morning routine pending the soap and toothbrush get added to the lineup.

9. Cigar: Pairing a suit and tie with a martini — all of which are current emojis — is one thing, but a suit and tie with a martini and a cigar? Now that’s what I call a gentle(wo)man’s club.

10. Champagne: This may be even more obvious than the Middle Finger. How often does a bursting bottle of champagne describe just what it is you want to be doing? Whether it’s New Years, an anniversary, or your first round of botox, a bursting cork is always necessary and therefore so is its emoji.

11. Cheese: As a cheese-a-holic, I stand tall when saying that this is the most important emoji of all time. Its lack of presence irks me so much that I would gladly grab a wheel of France’s finest brie to smash over the head of Willem Van Lancker just to make a point. I’d also still eat the wheel of brie after it hit the floor because no cheese should ever go to waste. Since brie may be a little harder to depict as an emoji, I went for the all around crowd pleaser and easy to identify slab of swiss.

12. Hotdog: Another should-be no-brainer: the hotdog! As far as I’m concerned hamburgers and hotdogs go together like turkey and stuffing, so why be exclusive and pick only one to feature? If Bruce and Gretchen are having a barbecue I want to know if they’re serving burgers and dogs, the latter of which shouldn’t have to be spelled out.

13. Popcorn: Though the current emojis including a VHS, a clapboard, a DVD, a camcorder, and a video camera could easily do the trick, nothing quite says going to the movies like a heaping bag of popcorn. Said popcorn could also be used to go along with the circus tent, merry-go-round, and ferris wheel, all of which only further support the necessity of this here festive and buttery snack.

14. Avocado: Do avocados even need an explanation? They’re almost, and I mean almost, as important as cheese. And Zeus’s beard, Willem, if you’re going to feature something as rogue as the sweet potato then at least pick something as universally pleasing as the avocado as well.

15. Pickle: Something tells me that were the pickle to be an active emoji, it might take the place of the eggplant in frequence of use. Plus I hear it’s something pregnant women crave along with ice cream, so there’s always that.

16. Lobster: Emojis could use a little decadence and what better way to do so than with a juicy lobster? I also find the current shell emoji to feel a little lonely, so another crustaceous creature couldn’t hurt.

17. Shark: With all the hype that Shark Week gets — and rightfully so — a shark shooting out of the water with hungry jaws just seems like one of the more likely additions to the emoji lineup. Plus, if you were to get really creative, you could use it as a symbol of hunger in a sort of, “FEED ME NOW” type of way.

18. Unicorn: Unicorns are huge; they’re probably more popular than any of the other emojis existing or fantasized about. And how else are you to describe how magical or majestic something is without the help of a sparkling pink unicorn? I mean, really.

Ok, now it’s you’re turn. What emojis are you dying to see? Tell me please!